Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Journey to Contentment - Part 2 B

Hello again everyone!

I do want to send out a warm welcome to those visiting from The Growing Stam Family!
For those of you just joining, this is a series that I recently started about contentment. You can find the introductory post here.

Part 2 was getting a bit long so I thought I would split it up into two days! (I had a lot of other work to get done yesterday!) To read the first part click here.

So I left off yesterday with the knowledge that I was definitely *not* content, but yet I couldn't figure out why! I did an exercise from Linda Dillow's book Calm My Anxious Heart to see if I was focusing on the negatives too much, but the problem was that I couldn't even think of any negatives! So why was I not content!?!

I was puzzled over this for a long time. To give you some history, my little girl was probably around 4 or 5 months old at this time and we had already been through some struggles. Breastfeeding was really difficult, painful, and uncomfortable for the first 5 weeks and after that I still struggled with milk supply. And she was not a very happy baby! I don't know for sure if it was colic, hunger (from my seemingly 1% milk), Or if it was just because her Mama wasn't happy! But either way, it was difficult for me to deal with. And I struggled a lot. I knew that I was supposed to be enjoying these days with my newborn/young infant, (That's what everybody says!) but I sure was having a hard time doing that!

One day while at a church event the reason for my discontentment came to a head. It was a picnic. It was sunny and warm and everyone was happy and enjoying themselves, eating their food, going swimming, playing games. Everyone, that is, except for me! I had a baby on my lap trying to shove food into my face as fast as possible before she started crying...again! Then I was inside feeding her under a hot breastfeeding cover, and then when I was hoping she would go to sleep....nope! Wide awake. And not willing to go to anyone else! I felt so angry on the inside but just tried to smile and not let anyone know my heart. Because that would make me weak and I did not want that, of course!

When my husband and I had a chance to talk alone I just blurted it all out! I said it all!
"I am not enjoying myself. I never get to enjoy myself anymore. I am always looking after the baby and not doing anything else fun. I hate being a mom! I don't know why I ever wanted to be one in the first place!"

You know how sometimes you are thinking something for so long that it just begins to seem OK, but when you actually say it out loud - hear it with your own ears in the presence of someone else - you realize just how sinful you are. (A lot of my sinful thinking has been exposed in this way since I got married!)

Peter just looked at me with shock and neither of us said another word for a little while. He didn't need to say anything because at that moment I realized crystal clear where my discontentment came from...

Wow, this story is much longer than I thought it would be! This was a pretty significant moment in my life, So I suppose that is why!
To be Continued...

1 comment:

Delisa said...

Hi Niki: I came across your post today and it really touched my heart. We all want to be young, look young and feel young when we are young. The fact that you were not enjoying yourself because of the baby is a pretty natural feeling. I think if everyone were to to be completely honest we have all had moments like this in our lives, whether we have children or not. I don't think it is sinful in itself to have these feelings but it is what we do with them that count. I have found through the various trials in my own life that contentment comes from knowing that whatever it is we face, God will make sure that it is never more than we can bear. Contentment comes from living and experience, trust in our Father, simplicity and keeping a humble heart. Listening to the voices of experience around us, not being afraid to ask questions and to listening closely to the words of our husbands as they attempt to lead the family. You sound like a wonderful young mother and I think life has many beautiful and happy days ahead! Thank you for sharing your beautiful blog and have a lovely day. Delisa :)